Marital Coercion

You may feel guilty saying no, and this can come from your partner as well as outside sources. Family and friends, people at church, and even self-help books, social media, and other internet sources can make you feel like you’re wrong to decline sex. NOTE: If you are feeling obligation to sex that is NOT coming from your partner, talk to them about it. This may be something you can overcome together.

If he tells you he’s depressed and sex will make him feel better, or he feels disconnected from you and needs sex to feel closer to you, this is using your empathy to make you feel bad for saying no. Sometimes this is referred to as weaponized misery.

He may get angry when you aren’t in the mood, accusing you of “withholding” or “making excuses” because he feels entitled to sex and is resentful that you aren’t interested at the same time he is. This anger can be expressed by yelling, or by slamming a door, but you will know he’s unhappy with you.

A more covert form of coercion is false niceness meant to win you over to sex but you can sense it is not genuine. It might be flowers, or kind words but you’ll feel something is off. He doesn’t have a history of doing or saying these things except in an effort to get sex.

You may tell yourself “at least he doesn’t hit me” but there are ways he will make himself a physical threat. He might punch a pillow, slam a drawer, stomp loudly, or something else he knows will intimidate you. This is all physical violence even when not directed at you. You are meant to feel it.

Stories from women in coercive marriages. Get in touch with me to share yours. Scroll to the bottom for socials and contact info.

We were on a weekend holiday away. He kissing me in the bedroom and he was getting frisky, I told him I had my period (no lies I did) but he believed that I could manipulate when I got it. He said, "you've just ruined my whole weekend", he then proceeded to give me horrible looks of disgust, then the silent treatment. As we went to bed on the first night, he said that I was to remind him that he wasn't talking to me in the morning. We got up and had breakfast and mid breakfast he declared "I forgot I wasn't talking to you" that was it, silent treatment for the rest of the day. Later that night he asks me "what's wrong with you? You've been quiet all day". I knew then something was incredibly wrong with our relationship but had no words for it, until I came across your TikTok and that sent me on google spiral.

He use to crack our bedroom door to see if I was sleeping. He thought I didn’t know he was doing it. He would stand there FOREVER trying to see if I was really asleep because I said I was “going to bed.” Most of the time I knew he was watching but if for some reason he was able to do it without me knowing and he saw I was awake he would “come in for the kill” as I called it to myself. I felt so paranoid like I couldn’t even fall asleep in peace. He came in on me several times while I was NURSING OUR BABY and slid in bed behind me and I was trapped. I think he knew I couldn’t get up because I was nursing so he knew he wouldn’t be turned down. Makes me sick to think about it.

There are so many incidents. The big one for me was one night I forgot to check my calendar. It was day 7 since we had had sex. I was exhausted and tried promising tomorrow. He rolled as far away from me as possible and said "I'm sorry I'm so repulsive you never want to have sex with me." I told him I was just tired. Him: "You think I'm not? I work all week, 12 hour days for you and our son." I was working full time too and caring for our 2 yr old. This went on a while. I gave in. Told him fine, we can tonight. I cried quietly through the whole thing. He didn't notice and didn't stop. I found out later he did notice all the times I didn't want it....and he didn't care. Because my body responded he said once he got going I liked it. I hated myself and felt disgusting.

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THE HOTLINE Learn more about sexual coercion (in any relationship) and get more help. Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) Text "START" to 88788 CRISIS TEXT LINE If you’re suffering anxiety, depression, loneliness, emotional abuse… there is help. TEXT HOME to 741741 RAINN.ORG Rainn can also offer support via phone, mobile app, or chat. You can also find many more resources on their website. Call 800.656.4673

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This page was built for informational purposes only and is not intended to be used as a medical or psychological resource. Please consult your doctor or therapist for more information.